Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, and despite the catchy familiar phrase, this has nothing to do with weddings, relationships, hookups or the likes.
I received an email with that title early January, I wasn’t confused with it really because the source was one of the yoga retreat websites I have subscribed to and unless yoga started to be a code for something different, Netflix and chill sorta thing, I was pretty sure that the content carried some good read.
It was on how to start fresh, kind of a new year resolution, by reconnecting with the old (acquaintance, friend, family member), trying out something new and lending/ giving away something you have.
The topic and its content inspired me, I have never been a new year’s resolution person, but I am a spur of the moment kind of person and since I have been through a lot of shit knocking down some walls through it, I thought making a -spur of the moment- list of my resolutions would be a good structure for my brain to function with, so I decided to write up at some point my list of something old, something new and something borrowed… Yeah okay, I like lists, and making a list of things to do would be on top of my to-do list.
Throughout my anxiety-healing journey, I have been lingering on that trauma, and it’s influence on my life as I know it.
I am a little descriptive, I usually give examples and draw visual scenarios. The best way I could explain it is this. The guy that has been running the brain retired and I hired a new less competent one who is incapable of running that organ as good, and I am just frustrated with his performance and keep scolding him for being so incapable of getting shit done! Don’t even ask me why I refer to the brain as he, he’s the one that does it!
In my head, anecdotes of past kept playing; I have always been brave, chivalrous in a way, I have always found my own hero in me, and it was very disturbing to believe that my superwoman was kryptonized.
Resentment, is the most relevant feeling I had towards my PTSD (which is now believed to be a PTS as with signs of progress I no longer qualify for a disorder), that kept showing up at my door unannounced and screwing shit up in my life.
My something old is letting go of my notions; of bravery, expectations, attachments, what I ought to be, and so on with a very long list of shalls and shants. Quit trying and start living, quit fixing and be present for what is. Yes shit will keep falling apart and breaking down, but strength is not preventing or undoing it, it’s living through it.
…My guy has not retired, my guy is facing different unprecedented circumstances, his usual crea-nalytical answers didn’t cut it. I have always used this quote at work “what got you here will not get you there”, I realized it applies to everything. My guy needs something new; all sorts of support for possibly a long due reinforcement.
“He or she who has the greatest capacity for discomfort, rises the fastest”, that’s a quote from Brené Brown’s Rising Strong. Brené is a scholar who studies vulnerability, shame, and living whole heartedly. I have been diligently listening to her talks, ended up buying 3 of her books and started reading the first one (The Gifts Of Imperfection) around the same time I started writing this more-like-a-long-ass-rant-than-it-is-a list. I stopped reading and rushed to finish what I wanted to say here before she really gets into my head and I start impersonating her.
I am a believer of everything happens for a reason, a bigger better reason. But I have never tried to look into my trauma as such,.I have until this point been referring to it as that unfortunate incident and its aftermath.
My something new is cultivating a compassionate approach to embrace all, the pride of who I believed I grew up to be, the pain of my whole experience of post trauma, the sense of achievement to what I am battling through, and the anticipation towards who I keep growing into every minute… Hence, allowing myself to be vulnerable in every step.. here it is Brené, I knew it!.
I have yet to figure out the reason, and I am not trying to bullshit myself saying that I am totally embracing it! Perhaps I will come to a conclusion one day, but maybe I will have better luck picking up a turd by it’s clean end.
My something borrowed is not really borrowed, It’s actually seized.
A huge part of everyone’s struggle in life is not being able to ask for what they need. Have you ever told yourself I can’t ask for what I want from people, from loved ones? I want them to know without me having to say it because my ego gets in the way?
Well ego is what you sugar coat fear with. I know it sounds so much cooler when emotional behaviour is associated with ego but it’s really not. It’s lack of trust, or flat out, the fear of being hung out to dry; we are afraid of rejection, so we find ourselves hustling most of the times, fighting battles that are not even ours.
I am claiming what I need, and with that I am not “conquering my fears” per se, it’s more like having the strength to accept how I feel about certain things and try to make it happen for myself, if that involves other people, be it, there’s only one way to do it, right? so why not try … Yoda, get out of my head right now with your “you do or you do not, there’s no try”.
A friend of mine just recently sent me an article about people with anxiety that made me realize the strength we carry without knowing it, and I thought it’s worth mentioning, I am quoting the highlights.
“Some people rarely venture outside of their comfort zone, but people with anxiety are outside of their comfort zone every damn day. That’s why they’re always learning, always growing every second of every day”… “They don’t have a minute of peace, always struggling and always winning”.
Right, now that my something old, something new, something borrowed and somethings better left unsaid are all on my list, Brené I am ready for your two cents worth.