One moment at a time

 

I know I promised myself and those courteous enough to read my posts that i will keep it short and sweet. Personally, I don’t really enjoy long articles, I like informative, inspiring straight to the point ones, I have always believed in the saying “good brevity makes sense” write less, say more.
Despite that, I think this is not going to be short, or sweet for that matter. So I am apologizing to you, reader, ahead, if this is too long for your preference. However, this one, is really for me..

I haven’t been writing anything for a very long time now, I have some unfinished topics on my drafts but none of them made it beyond the few lines. I was stressing about not writing, and the longer I didn’t write the more I stressed, and the more I stressed the longer I couldn’t write.
So I decided to stop.

Deep down inside I knew that the one topic I wanted to write about is the one thing that was “unfinished” and I was hoping it does (get finished) so I can get to address it because otherwise I wouldn’t.
Well, the answer is no, it still didn’t but I decided to man the fuck up and put it out there.

 

I have been facing anxiety for about 18 months now, not that I am counting!
And since anxiety disorders usually are a manifestation of the person of interest (oneself), it kinda comes in the form of that person’s persona. In my case it had to be the whole nine yards..
Came at once, out of nowhere (that i knew of at the time at least), full fledge, fierce and feisty (wow that rhymed!). All in!! as in all symptoms.. you know as in when you do something you gotta give it all you have, no half assed shit.

Suffocation, hyperventilation, frantic heart beats, dizziness, head pressure, numbness, shivers… in other words “panic attacks” or the reference that I rather use “anxiety attacks” (just to make myself feel better about it).

Soo? Miss know it all, you are.. any plan??
Yesss, change, I need.. (See my Yoda-ism is improving!)
Okay let’s do change.
Quit the one thing that I had my heart into, my daily sanctuary, my crossfit training.
Wait !! What ?? Are you serious ??
Well, you know it does involve a lot of physical activity that psychologically I could no longer do, right?!
Pause… Suffocation.. dizziness.. heart beats.
Fine!
…..That didn’t work.
Okay what’s next? break up with your boyfriend, I mean it wasn’t going well anyway.
Done?
….Nope, didn’t help either.
Alright then it must be work, I have been here way too long. Got myself another one, in theory a better one.
Yeah, all theories went to shit.

what is it that I want then??

I started a yoga journey a couple of months after the first infamous attack, I thought it will help, down the road it did in so many ways I never imagined. Not only I managed to breath better but also I learnt to be grateful. It helped me open up my mind and my energy, and I managed to figure out that there was a trigger, a specific incident that could be classified as fatal, that incident may or may not make it to one of my topics in the future, but t’s definitely not the subject of my post today.

I faced physical pain, I did all kinds of tests, scans, visited cardiologist, neurologist, gynecologist, internal medicine practitioner, ENT doctors, eye doctor, everything seemed to be going wrong! But they all gave me the same answer, there was nothing wrong with me, physically.

 

So what changed now is that I just decided to write about it. As a matter of fact, whether this continues to be my part of my life now or not, I can’t keep judging myself. That’s right, I figured that throughout my battle, instead of getting my head really around resolving my issue I was busy being judgmental.
In all honesty, I just didn’t get it, I didn’t ask myself why it happened. I just didn’t understand how it could happen to me. let’s speak facts for a minute here, I am a tough ass woman, I say that loud and proud, tough to the point of intimidation, to the point of believing that I have balls more than most men I know.
So how then, how was my biggest question, how was my judgement and self loathing, and that how became my anxiety.

I’ve come a long way, I must admit, and I guess what I really am trying to say here is that we all have our internal battles. This experience made me less oblivious to plenty of struggles around me, many of us are anxious, but most of us do not realize it. We all strive to do better, to have better lives, jobs, partners, money, places to live, but what lies beneath all of our struggles is one thing, our peace of mind.
When I sat on that yoga mat first, I started fidgeting, couldn’t sit still, couldn’t silence the voice in my head, and couldn’t shake off my thoughts. But then I learned to observe. I observe my body, my breath, my wandering thoughts, my concerns, I just observe, I don’t think, i don’t have an opinion (me, not have an opinion?! that’s huge!), and I don’t have a judgement.

I am thinking that I might be on the right path. It started feeling like me, the person I know, because for the longest time it felt weird being inside my brain, hearing my distorted thoughts, listening to my voice talking about it and seeing what it’s doing to my body.

Just recently, I found out that my anxiety is in fact a case of a PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). It is clinical anxiety and it does need therapy, being able to write about it is not a resolution. But sharing it with the world is courage, this means the ballsy bitch is back (whoops that rhymed again, check me out!), and that is a step to resolution one moment at a time, one anxiety at a time..

And here’s to my longest two cents worth…